Friday, December 3, 2010

For Steph... (pt. 3)

ok, i think this is the end of my series of blogs for the night.

this one's all about my current/future outlook on life. i (recently) tried to be what normal beings are. i (recently) tried to do what normal beings do. however, i think (recently), that i should go back to do what i used to do.

over the past year, ive been one of the most logical beings on the planet (yes, i feel like i can say that...if you disagree, fuck you!). however, over the past couple of weeks, ive tried to get back in touch with the "human" side of me. needless to say, that didnt work...

so heres topic #3.1: i wish i could say all of the things i wish i could say. i know ive mentioned this in a past blog but i feel its nesessary to mention it again. however, this is more about my personal confidence and less about the subject matter. i wish i could look certain people in the eye and just say what i think of them. i always say that if it was my last day at work, id go off on everyone there and tell them how i really feel. im sure im not the only one...but how many of us actually would. i guess this goes back to being real (topic #2.2).

i just wish i had the balls to tell people what i really felt about them. i wish i had the balls to tell one of my closest friends that his words hold no weight with me. i wish i had the courage to tell one of my ex's that i wish i would've never fucked things up between us (even though it taught me a lot). i wish i was man enough to tell the girl i've recently fallen in like (yes, "like"...) with that i no longer have any interest in her whatsoever and dont want anything to do with her at all...i wish i actually felt that way. basically, i wish i was the way i acted! i put on this front like everything's ok and that im cool with everyone when im not. i cant say im being fake, its just that i have a tendency of pushing things aside and letting them build up until i cant handle them anymore. like i put it to my boy E yesterday, its like a fly buzzing past your face. at first, its not big deal, but it just becomes more annoying the more you have to put up with it.

but i have come a serious conclusion: im going off this month. im gonna do everything i want to without a care of what anyone else thinks about it. i have to live for me and no one else. if everyone else is happy and im not, what good does that do?! so im gonna make me happy, no matter what. if everyone else is pissed or offended, thats their problem. the people who really love and accept me will be by my side and those are the people that really count. like i say in one of my soon-to-be-released verse, "im living my fucking life just like a party/ and if u aint invited then im sorry". thats just how its gotta fucking go from now on. ive been putting other people's interests and feelings before mine...and thats just a mistake. so, as of now, i suggest you prepare for the uncensored version of me. if you're easily offended, keep you're distance. i just really dont give a fuck anymore.

...and i think that may be it for tonight. good muh-fuckin night, damnit.

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